Rating the birds in my backyard by tendency toward violence
Northern Cardinal, 4/10
I’m sometimes worried the male is sexually harassing the female but I’m pretty sure they’re just doing some elaborate public pickup roleplay. The rest of us didn’t agree to participate in your kink, guys.
American Robin, 1/10
Literally just some dude hanging out. Never bothered anyone but worms. Big fan of the way you just stand there in the middle of the grass like you forgot what you were supposed to be doing.
House Sparrow, 10/10
You’re a gang. You’re participating in gang violence. There’s ten billion of you living in a single wood pile and it’s been civil war for three years now. When will the bloodshed end?
Tufted Titmouse, 1/10
A shy baby. A pretty little guy. I saw you on the neighbor’s garage roof and time stopped. There were anime sparkles around you. Come back.
European Starling, 9/10
Why is it always you? Listen, I know, I KNOW the sparrows are the problem, and YET. When the fighting starts, it’s always you in the middle of it, provoking them and then screaming like you’re an innocent bystander defending yourself. I’m onto you.
Carolina Wren, 3/10
This rating is not for physical violence, which you don’t engage in, but for your role as an incurable narc. A tattle tale. I know they’re fighting again, okay? I see it. Our yard has been a warzone for years, you don’t have to make a big announcement every time someone misbehaves.
Eastern Wood-Peewee, 0/10
If this were “birds who think they’re better than everyone else,” you’d get 10/10.
Red-bellied Woodpecker, 6/10
It’s a utility pole. It’s not a tree. You’re surrounded by trees that are full of bugs. But there you are, on the utility pole. Committing vandalism.
American Crow, unrated
For who am I to cast judgment on the actions of La Famiglia? I assume you are doing what is best for the neighborhood. If I could, though, without criticism, make a single observation. That when large numbers of you gather in the ominous dead cottonwood - no? No, you’re right. None of my business.
Great Crested Flycatcher, 5/10
Frankly, I think you could be doing more. I think your name implies a great potential. I think you should massacre the insects. I think your beak should drip with viscera.
